ManServant

Marriage Guidance

Beware the marriage guidance 'counselling' services.  Mine came out with alarming phrases like; "well, children often find it exciting.. the fact that they can go and stay some of the time in a new home, and that they may have access to other siblings and be forced to form new relationships. And then she said... 'and for adults... well... often we see a relaxed attitude in our 40's to sexual relationships and relationships in general'. Amazing don't you think? Some marriage guidance people seemed to be only interested in 'selling' your their time. I suppose the reaason for phrase 'sell' in conselling!My wife at the time of course nodded her head in agreement as if she had already bribed the person conserned into saying these things. It was you see my ex who was 'more relaxed' about extra marital affairs or at least thats what I found out following a long period of deceptions. "I was in a relationship before I met Mike" ... thats me... "and now, I'm back in that relationship". She was talking about being in a relationship when she was 16 and 17 yrs old at school! and we had been together for twenty years. Our consellor had been married 3 times and now wanted to 'help' people through their 'transitions'.... So.. I've learnt another leason there.. Beware the marriage guidance consellor or at least do more homework than I did about who you will be paying for.

Weekend freedom ....

Manservant can easily fall into the trap of assuming and expecting that the weekend looming on a Thursday afternoon and dreamt about on a Tuesday are for him to grab a good chunk of R&R. At last I will be able polish my golf clubs, service my bike, read the end of that autobiography, catch up on the European championship football, have a few relaxing beers and sleep a bit! After all you have earned it haven't you ?

Unluckily for him the weekend's itinerary for what will actually fill his time has already been set weeks if not months before he even remembered that he recently bought a new mountain bike. He is likely to also have been told what is happening but because of the sequential thinking wires in his brain he will not remember until he has been told again.

"Now, remember this Sat morning my mother is here so she will need driving to the town, in the afternoon the kids have parties, lessons etc. and I will be out with my friends to prepare for the school fete... we will need to shop (that means - you !) for ourselves and to take to Sunday's dinner party with thingy and thingy... either chocolates or cheese and biscuits - you decide .... And there is the dog of course ... can you download those pictures like I asked and we will need to decide which continent we should go to for our late booking summer holiday ...."

He did it his way ....

When he makes the dinner...  as you know a favorite subject of mine.... If indeed he does make the dinner at all I hear cried, it doesn't take  too much observation to realise that he cooks as a man. He will make a 'mess' in some people's eyes. To him its all just a part of the preparation. He will also add too many ingredients and prepare large portions for everybody. STAND BACK ! he is just doing it his way.

There is no need to panic!!  His body is telling him that he needs 'bulk fuel'. The small side salad of warm duck breast flakes with a sprinkling of walnuts or pine needles or whatever they are just will not do. All that stuff could never be categorized as proper fuel unless of course you could eat about half a tonne in one sitting. He will also use all the 'wrong' utensils - to him its just a matter of will it do the job, and he will never 'wash up or clear up as he goes along'!! He is just doing it his way. Once others come to terms with this he will be a much happier man less likely as he is to be told 'what to do'.

The dawning of this new age of realization for all in the kitchen will quickly translate to new attitudes towards all tasks he undertakes. Clearing up other stuff will be done his way too i.e. eventually, when he gets round to it!! Making the tea will be done his way; 'too strong'!! Ironing a shirt will be done his way too; 'not very well'!! Picking out clothes in a shop will also be done his way; i.e. never or max. once a year, and in all the wrong places!! Relax, he is just doing it his way. His way can never be your way. His way is just his way and there is really no point trying to change it....    

Its not a competition..

Lately there has been great concern about 'the state of the economy', the 'credit crunch fallout', ' lack of retail spending' etc.  It seems this too can be turned into a discussion - at least on '5 live' about the different reactions men and woman might have to the challenges they face.

Today  we heard  how  woman tend to be better lateral thinkers, good at keeping costs down, starting business from their kitchens means they have 'adopted more efficient business models' because they had to do all the domestic stuffaswell. They also have a 'tighter grip on margins' and should therefore been in much better shape to ride the storm and economic winds of our time.

All this implies that men would be much worse off disregarding as they do a kitchen as their preferred place to do business.  And just when you are about to start shouting at the radio another segment pulls the carpet from under the feet of the 'analyst' who had got down to a fine art the whole business of bigging it up for the girls; "whereas I used to shop every week for clothes, regardless" said one women interviewed outside John Lewis, " I now only shop when I have to - for a major event like the next wedding  or a dinner party". And then of course you just have to laugh. Credit Crisis my arse....   

When it comes to basic tasks ..

There is often little or no obvious division of responsibility  in the home these days. Of course each home is unique in its own right but  nobody can deny how things have changed since our parents generation.  For example,  in many cases back then even at the moment of birth the father was absent and for many the absenteeism continued throughout much of  the child's life and the mother's life.

The very basic but essential tasks of changing the nappies, shopping for food, preparing a meal, clearing up, running the home, school trips, holiday planning, baths at night, porridge in the morning, checking the homework, buying new clothes, warming the vest on the radiator, putting the rubbish out, making jam, ordering you to go out and play, shouting for you to come back in because the tea's ready, polishing your shoes, taking fresh towels out of the airing cupboard, washing, ironing, reading you a story at night and stroking your head as you lay on the comfort fresh pillow were down to one person only - your Mum.

If this was your experience, be sure and tell her asap how grateful you were for all these and many other demonstrations of her love and support. You never know when you might not get the chance to do so again.

Today, the manservant in the modern world can be absent if he so chooses - and I know many women still prefer it this way -  but he is generally expected to pick at least a couple of the items from the above. Certainly, I do know just about all fathers are present at the birth and most I know also put the rubbish out. Nobody can deny therefore that we are moving towards equality when it comes to performing basic tasks!

Unfortunately many men still regard their input to the home, other than the financial input they provide, as being time wasted at best, and at worst, beneath them. We still have along way to go, we know that, but please go easy on us, we have had poor training from a very young age.   

April Fool...

The April Fool is the guy who only helps around the house when its got to breaking point. You know what I'm talking about - you and your spouse, partner or fellow lodger - ignore the detritus around you - preferring instead to kill some more enemies on the PS3 or slip out to the pub (to do some shopping of course!)- until it becomes no longer possible to function around the house. 

Congratulations to BBC Breakfast news. There was a lead story about pending changes to the law of the land making it  compulsory for a 50 / 50  split in effort and responsibility around the home. Fortunately, the other stories which proceeded this talked about a new discovery in the natural world - flying penguins, a dog race with dogs on roller skates, and Big Ben going digital etc. so I didn't fall for the legislative jibe. 

Its a serious point however. The way to a man's heart is through his stomach, and if you can focus the obvious aswell for at least a couple of times a week then your relationship as far as he is concerned is well on the way to a blissful partnership. The way to a woman's heart is less clear. But I do know that a large chunk of domestic input is quite important.

We cant know what needs doing however. and less so the priority of things. This is where clear instructions come in. With a good clear instruction - one at a time mind - because two or more starts to sound like a list you are able to help us help you around the home.

The secret then to happiness for a man's life with his partner is the three point plan :

1.    Regular bulk feeds supplemented by nutritious snacks...
2.     A bit of lovin' ....
3.     .... and most important of all - CLEAR INSTRUCTIONS!

Try as we might, what goes on in your head still eludes us......

Mills & McCartney

You can't help but feel a little bit that the Mills vs McCartney media frenzy sums up the manservant sentiments in some of my earlier posts. Most agree I think that in hindsight  it rather looks as if in the back of her mind she knew what she was doing from the start. Also, that Sir Paul should have taken more notice to the warnings or signals he received from his children when the couple first started to get serious. Thats right Sir Paul, you naughty boy!

Heather must have turned the light off at night and squirmed with delight at her good fortune for landing one of the country's biggest fish / legends / wallets of her life. Sir Paul must have switched off his light and squirmed with delight for many other reasons I expect.

However I know that many men or woman who have been through a bitter divorce are likely to still be hurting  and it cant be easy not to be reminded of parts of the story that reflect their experience. For example the word misogynist gets banded about a lot whenever anyone (blokes in particular) side with Sir Paul, the founder member of the Beetles, living legend, supreme talent, invented modern rock & roll / pop, knighted hero of our times, over Heather - ok done some great charity work, but started her modelling career in the german 'glamour' industry, left a string of relationships behind her, compares herself to the McCanns and Princess Diana, uses the media for her own gains then slags them off big time when they print something she doesn't like - Mills. 

I mean, only today its confirmed that more people are telephoning citizen's advice than ever before because of their financial worries and she pops 24 big ones just like that !! But then again, life is about using your God given talents and assets to the best of your advantage in order to live the life you want to lead. So if Heather wants to totally destroy he child's life, continue to make ridiculous clothes as if to compete with Stella McCartney - an established and well respected global designer in her own right - live behind big walls  and continue to alienate herself from the sane society, she must be the most successful woman alive today.

The new boyfriend might be a little challenging for her to find next time though .... I mean where do you go for your next sting now Heather ?!