ManServant

Ross & Brand ......

 

My bank has behaved very irresponsibly – tonight confirmed by the BBC’s special report on the financial crisis. No surprise there but whilst watching the program – some filming took place outside the prestigious headquarters frequently visited by vendors  – I was reminded how the greedy buggers inside spent much of their energy intimidating suppliers whilst at the same time squeezing as much as they could out of every customer contact. 

 

Banks smugly emanated the odor of high brow commercial sophistication as if their ‘business practices’ which were ‘setting new standards for global best practice’ could not be understood or replicated by anyone else. We now know that all of that was just part of the horseshit smokescreen. None of us need ever feel intimidated by these twatts ever again. You see unlike any sensible corner shop owner these clowns sold as much credit as they could without ANY checks and balances bringing as they did all the sales & marketing ‘talent’ from the good old gun slinging U S OF A.

 

On the BBC program a previous Head of Risk Management was interviewed about being ‘made redundant’ in ’04. Frankly, he was in the way and he knew it.  Risk was no longer part of the business model equation. The billions sold in credit were largely underwritten with NO exposure assessment and the FSA’s pronouncements were ignored like a limp dick just before the money shot. The balance sheet for all this credit was shored up by billions of market sourced greenback. The wholesale machine of cash was gladly hemorrhaging what it could as the culture greed and irresponsibility gathered momentum.

 

If you can get away with something and it also brings short term gain, human nature dictates that the pattern will be repeated. Like Brand and Ross in this weeks media scandal, the jokers in the City increased their outrageous behavior with each new target met. Bonuses quickly followed with each ‘success’ and latterly for failure too. So why put the brakes on when you are enjoying the ride like no other ? As the wholesalers gradually called in the bill the party was already over; defaulting customers were appearing like so many zombies in a horror film; and the bank’s front and back office were at war.

 

The customer you see had been used not serviced. The balloon of sophistication lost all its grace deflating to a pathetically shriveled red faced embarrassment. I suggest now might be a good time to set up your own Building Society perhaps in your local street or as grandma said all too frequently keep your money in a biscuit tin under your bed.       

Bradford & Bingley has run out of winter nuts ....

 

Well it would be a shame to not use a half decent photograph right ?! 

If you are lucky enough to have any nuts worth digging a hole for you might be thinking about placing them in a much safer place than where you put them last year. At least Mr Red above can be confident in the methods he adopts. Its a little more difficult for us humans. Each year, from past experience Red knows that the well placed nut can be found when and where he needs it again perfectly intact, ready to sustain him. Sadly, we are now afraid that our reserves might not be there the next time we look.  What has driven us to act with such a lack of confidence? Well lets take a brief look at a few statistics shall we?:

If you had purchased £1000 of Northern Rock stock one year ago, it would be worth £4.95 today.

With HBOS, you would have 16.50 Pounds left of the original 1000 Pounds

With XL Leisure, less than a fiver

And if you had purchased £1000 of Seguro Air Lines stock, you would have a measly 49p.

However, if you had purchased £1000 worth of Tennent's Lager one year ago, drank the lot of it, then re-cycled the cans at an aluminium plant for a cash refund, you would have £214.

And so, based on the above information, the best current investment advice is to drink heavily and recycle.

 

 

BURRRRR RRP!

  

Commodity Markets...

 

It would appear that commodity culture has reached a pinnacle point that has never been experienced before. I refer to a story run on the BBC South East news this evening that 'more and more London woman are saying they would happily have a male friend father their child', not just to the banking sector furora.

The collapse of major banks may seem like a catastrophe but you can be sure that blaming the 'credit crunch' is yet another excuse for somebody somewhere to make loads more cash. Markets go up and markets go down and in both cases somebody somewhere is making loads of dough. If you followed the markets today you would have been able to trade in HBOS shares -  one of the biggest names in UK banking - waiting for it to hit the floor (40% or more down) and then Buy, buy, buy, to get back in and see your position rise above daily lows finishing up high and mighty even though the net for the day resulted in a big loss for the previous days share value.

The City operates on rumour, speculation, and bare faced inside information. And this mode of operation is more and more prevelant , increasing volidity, and the opportunity to make a fast profit. The traders, investors, and sharks although regulated more outside the U.S. are getting younger. Generally speaking, the younger you are, the hungrier you are and the less likely you are to remember the days before Michael Douglas said 'greed is good, greed works', in the movie 'Wall Street'.  

The pace at which the predators work these days means that a bank whose monetary value exceeds that of the smaller European countries can indeed be here today and gone tomorrow. There is no morality in this its just business right? Except that along the way people's lives are affected, pension funds, life savings, and your daughter's education, housing or rainy day fund doesn't matter in the world of unregulated share dealing. 

This is perhaps but one indication of a culture approaching its own Sodam & Gamora. Another, brought to our attention by the BBC is that by indicating that its OK to treat the male friend as a commodity, not to mention the unborn child, in the name of self interest, it surely means procreation in itself has become a commodity.

You might well ask - 'where is the romance'? Well there is none. In the commodity market, its all available 'off the shelf', all you have to do is reach out and grab it ........  

        

White males officially second class ....

Today its official - Woman are to be made 'more equal than men'. This new approach, which most men have already known to be the case for years - in the home !!, is to be given official UK government backing. Minister, Harriet Harman, says firms need to be given a 'push' in order to ensure woman and ethnic minorities are seen to rise quickly into prominent positions in the work place.

Well let them rise and rise as much as they like. I'm positive they will soon find out that there is nothing at the top actually worth having really. The higher the monkey climbs the more he - I mean she - reveals. In this case Harman has finally revealed to all he true nature as a militant feminist determined to redefine 'equality' into something resembling not so equal after all especially if your name begins with Miss, Mrs, Mizz, or some similar prefix indicating a fairer sex and instant qualification for free hot air balloon rides to the upper reaches of a salary band near you.....

But hang on before you get upset we all know that this has to be a bit of a joke or at least a spin by the media. Imagine, if the now passive global community of lower ranking white male losers were to take up the challenge of readdressing the balance. I can see them now, chaining themselves to the railings at Wimbledon or on Ladies at Ascot, running in front of horses, boycotting sponsorship of woman's midnight charity walks in bras, burning their chest hair, putting their DIY tools down at home and dressing up as batman every weekend just to make a point.....

Blimey talk about 'battle of the sexes'. Just wait until the frenzy calms down and and I'm sure you will see some retraction. Harriett, Caaammonnee what are you smokin babe ....

Devolution

You remember that 'vote rigging' exercise  or clever tactic - depending on your views - of the then incoming Labour party to finally kill off the Conservative vote in Scotland? Depending on which side of the fence you sit on most will agree that the original short term political gains have developed into a full blown tidal wave of opinion about the future of the Union.

To be pragmatic about this, as with all political change, devolution could well result in good things for all people, north south, east and west of their current geographical location. Unfortunately however it has given vent to the small minded, bigoted, loud mouths on all sides who like to sound off just because they were set upon at school or cubs, guides , by their parents etc....   

What I find most upsetting about this is that if you only know what its like to live in Tullybuddy, because you have never gone beyond the shop at the end of the street that sells fake tartan to the tourists, and have always been content with poor service in bars and restaurants, you have absolutely no right whatsoever to slag off anyone else  especially if the only reason you do is because all your born days you have been scared out of your wits about going past the very same corner shop. Thank goodness for free speech because as soon as you open your mouth - we know who you really are.

Conversely, if you have never traveled north of Waitrose on the way to the A40 or north circular in Middlesex. you have absolutely no right to stereotype 5 million people way beyond Acton High Street just because you too are terrified of what you have never experienced or one of those scenes in the Braveheart movie where things bad happen to people who don't side with Mel Gibson.

Its such a pity that as we move forward with this agenda, the accusations are bound to get more outrageous  and therefore more time will be given by the media to the small minds and loud mouths. Quite soon we may reach a point where someone in Westminster will say ; 'The trouble with Scotland is - its full of Scots' - just like Edward the longshanks - and at the same time the troops in the Middle East doing all the hard work will be summoned back to Perth and Edinburgh to sharpen their claymores.

Before you know it, U.S. troops will be sent into the UK in their truckloads in the name of peace. Actually they will have the opportunity to create what they have always wanted out of Britain - warm beer - girls with funny accents and a huge landing pad for military operations across Europe.

Thanks a lot Tony, the short term gain was a sure fire winner but you weren't looking beyond the first 4 years anyway were you ....? Where are you now incidentally ? oh, ok ill take it up with the other bloke..