ManServant

He

The book is called 'He'. Its a reflection of the masculine in the modern day. Its also a counter to the now dominant feminist views of the male as something to be rallied against, ridiculed, pushed to the side and shouted down. Its aim is to tell the truth which is again surprising to us; the idea that men are valuable as leaders, carers and nurturing role models. We learn that the problems woman and society encounter with men, are the results of the struggle men have in themselves as unfulfilled human beings. The wild and spiritual man has been held back and restricted by modern day expectations. So men are not free and their powerful influences have been stifled. They long to be at peace with themselves but feel their destiny here on earth is always at arms length. So they begin a range of displacement activities many of which can last a lifetime or until balance is restored. Consequently the love of those closest to them continues to elude them. Thankfully, during a man's life, he experiences glimpses of his true self and his dormant powers and peaceful connection to his soul and the universe. He will face the sun and with eyes closed and feel its warmth. He will begin to sit quietly by himself, listening. He will spend more time in wild places and develop abilities to put the past behind him. He will gladly enjoy the company of other men without a compulsion to compete. He is moved by nature and looks after his basic needs and of those closest to him. He sees woman as equals and is draw again to study their mystery. 

Happy New Year

So here it is, another shining dawn of the shared experience that is the annual 365 day merry go round of the beaming light at the centre of our Solar system. The 'New Year'! And how we choose to greet it says a lot about how we approach life in any given moment. I've heard a few different reactions in the last day or two. 'I'm glad its all over', said one. 'I always look forward to Spring from now on', said another. Very few choose to give a response anywhere that come close to reflecting the modern day mantra of 'living in the moment'. If we were to live in the moment most of us would at this point be living in the discomfort of often repeating hot stomach acid, self induced anxiety over our return to work, and overburdened credit card debt. There is however a strong feeling of euphoria coming out of the other side our retail, TV, travel and gastric binge. This is the start of a new decade as well as a new year. And I'm sure I could smell Spring in the air when I took the empties to the bottle bank. I took the tree down early and as I did so my 'moment' came when I realised that whatever we wish for by way of a better life for ourselves and our family is in fact of our own chosing and our own making. Its the infinate choice that drives us to distraction and the displacement activities which often trap us and prevent us from reaching our true potential. So as the last tinsel and baubel was returned to its box, I chose to make no resolutions other than the one which has eluded me thus far; to be kinder to myself, to learn to live a more peaceful life, trusting in my own journey and relaxing more into the ride.  

This Ain't a Love Song ....

As Scouting For Girls recently said so elequently; 'This ain't a love song... this is Goodbye'... I sure recognise the line about 'false accusations'.. The lack of empathy or respect for even common decency right at the point of leaving simply cannot be recognised for what it truely is - a false accusation. In my case it was - with the door ajar I hasten to add - "you can't even look at me". As if to say - "its because I think that you are unable to look at me that I am leaving you".

The false accusation fully translated would read - "Its because I have decided I want to be with someone I first slept with when I was 16 or 17 or thereabouts when I was at school, that I am now leaving you and our 17 year marriage". No, sorry, no I'm hear for you as a friend, no, I need to see you for Jess - our daughter on a regular basis. ... just ... I'm going and its all your fault. "I'm unhappy" can mean lots of things cant it. e.g. I'm unhappy with myself, I'm unhappy I never had more children, I'm unhappy because I think I'm gaining weight, I'm unhappy with the change in life coming my way far too early, I'm unhappy I now take pills to make me feel better, I'm unhappy with you, I'm unhappy with me... I only wanted to be happy... I only wanted you to be happy... Happy,Happy,Happy,Happy Talk......

So, be prepared for the false accusation and try to see it for what it is - an attempt to deflect guilt and blame and shame by having a very firm dig at you. She knows how to press your buttons of course she does and she knows that because you still love her you will believe her thus completing her own deflection of emotional pain.

Fortunately I had the presence of mind to ask her to come back in and sit down for two minutes where I was able to calmly say to her; "You are going because you don't want to be here. Its got NOTHING TO DO WITH ME ..... As the band say "I may be down but I'm coming back fighting...."   http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fDypaTdbdPw

Time heals the wounds

If you're bleeding, Then everyone can see you're bleeding.They can call for the doctor, Who'll provide what the diagnosis says you're needing Then he'll take away your pain But if your heart, Your heart has been broken And you don't wear it on your sleeve No one can tell, Your hell goes unspoken But there's one thing you must believe

Time heals the wounds no one can see
Time heals the wounds that no one can see

If you're crying
Then everyone can see you crying
And they all sympathize
But it just doesn't matter
Though they may be trying,
They can't feel the hurt inside
You can't go on,
You've gone to the limit
And your life seems to slip away
You're on your own
Alone you must face it
And tomorrow's so far away

You got to hold on baby
Got to give it time to heal
Time heals the wounds that no one can see
You must believe what they say is true
It do's wonders for ya, yeah, yeah

From: http://www.musicbabylon.comFrom : http://www.musicbabylon.com

Nothing Stays The Same

In the same way that army recruits are broken down in order to make men and feerless soldiers, so it is that our life experience at some points will hit a similar brick wall resulting in fundamental change. The wall at first and for a considerable length of time will seem impenetrable. It stops us in our tracks, halts our progress, pushes us backwards and blocks our very soul in such ways that seem life threatening. Yet at the same time perhaps as a result of the grounding position we then crawl forward in we are aware of developments within ourselves. Our options at the darkest of times are very stark indeed. But nature's response, in the end more powerful than ourselves, tells us that now is the time to open ourselves up to the world around us. We sense that the next blow cannot hurt us so much .... happiness is a personal choice ... literally, what does'nt kill you makes you stronger ...

Dear City Boy....

 

I read your book in only a couple of days as it was a real ‘page turner’ for me. Just thought I might share my thoughts. This is not a ‘review’ or critique’ just an opportunity to share some of my own experiences and observations on your incredible journey. I’m in my mid 40’s, had a few bumper P’60’s in my time through selling and have been trying to change direction since hitting 40 !!

 

Firstly it seems to me like you were always going to be at odds with being a City Boy and all that entails because of your upbringing and family roots. Although not entirely socialist, you had an in built value system from the outset which kept voicing its opinion inside you whenever it felt like it needed to i.e. all the time and every day! Congratulations to you and your parents. I know you have done this many times. E.g. when speaking to your father after your accident. I was moved by this humbling experience and your descriptions of how events changed you. Many never recover from a life long dose of the ‘affluenza’ virus.

 

Secondly, you are so right that money doesn’t necessarily bring us happiness. Ironically we seem to spend the first half of our lives struggling to ‘make it’ only to find at the top of the pile there really isn’t much there worth having! Coincidentally we also feel we have made it just at the very time we start to hunger more for life experience rather than just clamoring for more material wealth. I believe this is also part of what is dismissively called – especially by woman - the male ‘mid life crisis’.

 

This is often brought on earlier in life the more we ‘achieve’ in our careers. Furthermore with age comes a heightened awareness of mortality. When we also start losing people we care about the appeal of the Porsche starts to wane !  I don’t mean to dwell on this too much but recently I wake at night and am reminded of the falling Sperm Whale in Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy who for 2 seconds before he hits the ground, tries to fathom in his small brain; “what’s it all about”!  Morbid but true!   

 

The dimension which does indeed make it all worth while, as you eloquently point out at the end of your book, is love. This can be spiritual, in whatever shape and form works for each of us, and of course it is lived through the people we chose to be closest to. The wife and kids of City Boys in your book and other ‘high achieving’ families don’t seem to harbor a great deal of love let alone mutual respect! It seems to me you were in love with the woman you lived with and if my wife was reading your book she would want to see you win her back at the end! I confess I thought this would also make a good ending at least in the movies!

 

Good luck and thanks for the book.

 

Trevor

Generations....

I know, its a Mike and the Mechanics song. Somewhere I heard it recently and it got me thinking. The 'post war' generations undoubdtedly still influence our current position. A mixture of motives striving to build and break free from the trauma and uncertainty of front lines which were at the very centre of daily life. The build phase was well organised, developed and implemented through a class system and from the ground up each knew his role, could be contented with it or strive to 'better themselves' and 'rise through the ranks'. Of course there must have been many injustices dealt from above which added fuel to the fire for change. 

Prosperity opened up a space for spiritual development, freedom of choice and liberation. Things must have become more relaxed. The sigh of relief for all the torment that happened took several decades or more. Then came the part of the cycle that sees a more downward trend in prosperity. This could have been the result partly of fading memories, a newer generation struggling to find its way and the ironing out of more deep rooted social injustice. Yet some who started out with altruistic goals, obtained support for the downtrodden and were elevated to power themselves introduced their own brand of control. Eventually, demonstrating that power corrupts, they were exposed and taken down to be replaced by a newer order. (see Thatcher vs Unions!)

As Mike said when he sang about previous generations, 'all of their frustrations come beating at your door'. And when they do you either hear what is asked of you and do very little, capitulate and mirror their behaviour, or make your own moves to break free of their controls. The latter takes courage, wisdom and a determination. I think you have to have all three working together before the true feeling of self returns. Reaching this point can take a lifetime which is why I also think we measure social change and significant value shifts in generations.

So what of our generation? and that of our children? Well I would like to think that we have hammered less on the doors of our offspring, because ours were banged on morning noon and night, and that they will see a world we cannot currently comprehend. I would like to think aswell that we want them to develop their own intrinsic values, that we act accordingly and by supporting them in whatever direction they chose, they will be open more to telling us in the living years what they are thinking - good and bad - and how much they appreciate (dare I say love?) us. Some might say I'm having a laugh, 'not a chance in hell', or that our batten will handed over draped with all too familiar wavering and lack of bounderies. I'm not so sure.

As for our kids, they already experience a world that isn't round any more its oval shapped and will flatten out into a pancake. The post war social boundaries and restrictions of a class system specific to one country, or the political power struggles born from them are long gone. In its place governments seem less able to speak directly to their electorate whose attention spans flicker to all corners of the earth. We lived much more in our street, our town and today our children live in the world. ... I know I will get the blame for at least a couple of things however... that incident of road rage on the Chiswick roundabout was enough to scar anyone for life.... 

Risky Business ....

 Manservant is a risk taker. Its part of his make up, a driver that connects him with all fellow men. There is of course a spectrum of risk and exposure each is willing to accept. Our risk barometer is also influenced by other factors such as our self esteem levels and past experience. A friend of mine recently swam the English Channel for example. I will just about manage with the public 50m pool for two reasons; a) because 20 - 25m has been about my limit until recently and b) because, well, how clean is it do you think ?!

My friend swam through the world's most conjested shipping lanes, raw sewage and was accompanied by wild animals and observers alike. He has also climbed mountains in the Alps and Africa. "It's how you know you are alive", he says. I explained that it is just as possible surely to know you are alive when walking the dog on a bright cool Summer morning in the local park!

But of course I do know what he is talking about. There does appear to be less and less risk to be had for young and middle aged alike! There is a three pronged attack on us from the media, government and (some parents); the media stiffles us through fear of knife wealding, hoodies, illegal tradesman, terrorists and viscious in bred dogs on every corner, the government seems to tax us more every time we leave the 'safety' of our homes - I'm just waiting for the 'fresh air tax' to kick in soon - and (some) parents remind us and their own kids of the dangers of lifting our fingers away from our pockets, noses and remote controls to do something that might test us just that wee bit more. "If you are going to go outside the front door to bring in the milk or the delivered groceries", they say, " you must put the chain on the front door first and look outside to check that the coast is clear..  

OK, this is a slight over emphasis I know, but listen to the comments they make to their kids and you will hear what I am talking about. How many times will it be said, " don't do that, just be careful, have you got your mobile, ring me when you get there, do remember my number just in case you need to call". My favourite, because I am guilty too is, "stanger danger"! Plucky teenagers will roll their eyes when they hear such comments and not attempt to hide their reaction.

They already know, if they are lucky enough, that life is a risk. They will have connected with their ancient driver to accept risk, to welcome it, look forward to it, seeing it as part of each days new experience. To deny people the possibility of discovering their own levels of acceptance and exposure to risk is to deny them the opportunity to live and grow their own lives....                        

The Birds and the Bees ...

                                            Spring has sprung fully out there and if like my daughter and I you are a fan of Springwatch on the BBC you will know that no more evidence is needed. The birds and the bees are very active during this period and each clip of both common and rare species of birds, toads, mammals, insect and mossy patch of earth is full of courtship ritual, fluffed up display and consummation.

The Dotterel, of the plover family of waders does things a little differently from most other birds. For example it is seen in the Cairngorm mountains - a little odd for the wader type - but most notably it is different because the male of the species does almost all of the rearing of the wee baby dotterels. It is never heard to blame changes in society for this, nor does it hanker for the old days, back at the office where it could do its own thing without constant interruption. The male Dotterel is even happy to look relatively drab compared to the female who likes nothing better than to spend most of her time refining her methods for attracting a mate. Mizz Dotterel is a flighty one and she knows it..!!

Mr Dotterel is happy to play his part and be there for the duration of nesting, rearing and fledgling. I bet he never thinks that he should be more like other male birds - out there with the lads or content with just bringing home the bacon (insects & moths)! I bet he never feels pressured into thinking his role is undervalued by the bird society or that hes gone all soft or won't be found attractive anymore!  I bet he doesn't feel either the weight of a diminishing pension fund calling him back to the shores of the middle east while he feeds the chicks in his nest in Aberdeenshire.

I felt some camaraderie with Mr Dott yesterday evening when my Daughter and I sat down to a meal of freshly prepared Chilli Con Carne. We also spoke about the birds and the bees - she brought this up because at 11 years old its being covered at school as well as by Bill Oddie and Kate Humble. (hold that thought !) I did reflect however how much this time between us is undervalued mistakenly at times by me and dare I say it - society. However, I am delighted that my Daughter can bring up such subjects with me.

"We had to come up with words to do with personal relationships Daddy", she said. "And then the teacher asked us to group these words into 'feelings, tactile, etc. categories".

I asked if she wrote down any words. "Well we covered menstruation", she said, "which as you know Mummy and I talk about, and something else called mas..tre..dation".  "I think its something only boys do anyway"....

And my Daughter went on ... "there is this one really rude boy in class who thinks he is really clever". "Oh really", I said. "And what did he come up with ". "Something called a blow job", she said..

"And did the teacher ask him to explain what that was". "Well yes he did", she said. "Its really gross Daddy, I can't even tell you, but its definitely in the tactile category".....

   

Don't interrupt I'm processing sequentially ....

As a manservant you tend to process things sequentially. "Run to that rock over there, hide for a while, get some sleep, eat, visit the latrine, sneak up on that furry animal, dispatch it quickly,  gather fire wood,  grill and eat again...".  You do the same in the modern world; "prepare all things you need for your day, pick up car keys, mobile phone,  stuff you need, open door and out you go....".

If however you are interrupted  for a brief second whilst  in the sequential running order of things because "oh, buy the way darling tonight we need some brocolli for the dinner party", or "don't forget  to pick up dishwasher tablets and doggy poo bags from Tesco Metro", you are liable to drop the car keys on the floor without noticing.  Well you will notice but only when the time comes to use the car keys!  At this point you will remember - ah  - I have been interrupted again! You see the sequential brain needs to drop something in order to fit in the brocolli.

Don't ever admit this to the general public or the family however as you will simply be accused of an acute inability to multi task.... For the same reason you find it hard to focus on "three weeks next Wednesday your other half's old college friend will be dropping in and you need to meet up with her and her new boyfriend because unlike the last six men she has been seeing this one appears to be serious".  OR before we go on holiday in two weeks we will need to use up the extra compost you got at the weekend otherwise the new shrubs will perish by the time we get back....