The pain of divorce is real. There is no getting away from it. In my case without a shadow of doubt, the most painful experience imaginable. Researching on the web and in books I constantly look for answers, help and guidance. I'm shocked still by the stories I read of people who in the end simply cannot deal with the pain any longer. Something snaps. The displacement activities once found to help forget or put to oneside the agony that greats each day are no longer enough.
Recently I read how for a man the threat of snapping is three times more likely once he suddenly finds himself alone. He has lost afterall the only thing in his life he could count on for emotional support - His Wife. So, I know what to do, but it doesn't make at any easier at times. Whatever we do we must not bury our pain. We must instead feel it, acknowledge it and even embrace it as part of our lives. We are informed that what has happened was meant to happen and it will shape us eventually into a new life of hope and joy and a more peaceful existence.
After feeling the pain, crying over it and through it, we are supposed to give it to our God / the Universe or the higher power we imagine we call on during the dark nights ahead. We can also try meditation. For me this means learning to sit and let our thoughts and feeling wash through us. If we can do this on a regular basis we can then learn to train ourselves to live with whatever we feel troubles us more readily each day. We are also then supposed to accept that all this has happened for a reason.
Eventually, at a time unspecified, we will come to understand what has happened and this journey will be seen as our greatest victory. Emotional support is a natural human need. One of the cruelest elements of my wife's departure was to imply that I was more needy than was normal or acceptable to her. I know now that this was another false accusation thrown back at me like many others designed to hurt and to deflect guilt. I know that emotional support and the realisation that I am loved comes from many sources directly to me now; My sister, my family, and my daughter.
Just writing this down enables me to feel some release. I am grateful for that and I will continue writing. I hope I will. Like many in position I do want to be heard. But its enough to place it here for now and to explore when and how that might become real for me.
In the end, its not what we have achieved in life that matters, its how we have achieved it. The personal relationships we have are the only thing that counts. The people we love and the people who love us are all that matter. In this context I will say that I can still love my ex wife and I know that she is where she is not because of me, but because of her own actions and struggle. The pain we feel is meant to be and we are not alone. All of us feel it at some point in our lives with the same intensity I'm sure. So I do know that there is a kind of change and growth happening in me as a result. I can see why others act the way they do and I am far more tolerant.