ManServant

This Ain't a Love Song ....

As Scouting For Girls recently said so elequently; 'This ain't a love song... this is Goodbye'... I sure recognise the line about 'false accusations'.. The lack of empathy or respect for even common decency right at the point of leaving simply cannot be recognised for what it truely is - a false accusation. In my case it was - with the door ajar I hasten to add - "you can't even look at me". As if to say - "its because I think that you are unable to look at me that I am leaving you".

The false accusation fully translated would read - "Its because I have decided I want to be with someone I first slept with when I was 16 or 17 or thereabouts when I was at school, that I am now leaving you and our 17 year marriage". No, sorry, no I'm hear for you as a friend, no, I need to see you for Jess - our daughter on a regular basis. ... just ... I'm going and its all your fault. "I'm unhappy" can mean lots of things cant it. e.g. I'm unhappy with myself, I'm unhappy I never had more children, I'm unhappy because I think I'm gaining weight, I'm unhappy with the change in life coming my way far too early, I'm unhappy I now take pills to make me feel better, I'm unhappy with you, I'm unhappy with me... I only wanted to be happy... I only wanted you to be happy... Happy,Happy,Happy,Happy Talk......

So, be prepared for the false accusation and try to see it for what it is - an attempt to deflect guilt and blame and shame by having a very firm dig at you. She knows how to press your buttons of course she does and she knows that because you still love her you will believe her thus completing her own deflection of emotional pain.

Fortunately I had the presence of mind to ask her to come back in and sit down for two minutes where I was able to calmly say to her; "You are going because you don't want to be here. Its got NOTHING TO DO WITH ME ..... As the band say "I may be down but I'm coming back fighting...."   http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fDypaTdbdPw

Hi Richard,

I have just returned from a week's trip based in Doune, Knoydart. I was
part of a group of photographers hosted by Colin Prior on one of his
week long courses to improve my photography skills. We visited Muck,
Rum, Sanday, Eigg and would spend our days slowly walking, observing,
and recording in the camera our own images that might capture some of
the allure of each place. I found that I might, if lucky, feel I had
done so, by my own standards in perhaps two or three of the hundred or
so images I took each day. I picked up Scottish Islands Explorer on my
Co-Op stop on Sat while setting off on the long drive back to London. I
wanted to carry with me more of the Islands, and to revisit in my mind
the islands I had been to. Perhaps I could do this, I thought, whilst
travelling to work on the tube!? Like you I found myself trying to
fathom why the islands have a special draw. Yes, I agree, the islands
make us feel better. Indeed our boat skipper - 'Andy' of the Mary Doune
- expressed this profoundly himself when beaching us on Muck. His eyes
rolled and he beamed a wide smile at us as we stepped off the dingy
onto white sand and gently lapping waves. "Oh", he said, "this
place...", "it just makes you relax and feel contented immediately you
set foot here". This from a man who lives and works these islands from
Doune! But I think he was referring to the special character each
island has and how each might cause us to return for different reasons.
My own story is I believe that I have been drawn to the islands at
times in my life when beyond their shores I have been challenged by
life in the most personal of ways. Recently, divorce, and staying
focused on my daughter's needs who has just turned 15. I took her with
me on my trip last week. I was delighted when I could see more clearly
how well she is doing. One of our group commented "She's a great girl"
and indeed she is. Some years ago - and this is a story in itself! - I
managed to accompany my father to St Kilda where he served his National
Service in the late 50's. We managed to hitch a lift on a helicopter. I
wanted my father and I to understand each other more and of course I
wanted him to return to a special place for him. He had told us all
about it when we were growing up! So for me a visit to the islands,
however brief, bring us as close as we can get to nature from wherever
we normally live on the big island we call the British Isles. They
remind us that the noise and distractions of city life cut us off from
our inner thoughts and feelings. The islands enable us to listen to our
own barometer which constantly transmits to us something of who we are.
Colin summed it up one morning while giving a tutorial about
photography. "There is something there", he said "something we don't
understand".. and "the best picture's simply try to illustrate order
from chaos and capture that which is not understood"..

I hope you like my story.

Mike

Pretend that your alone now...

Have you ever been asked a question that you've heard a thousand times before? Only this time, coming from a friend, it seems far more poignant; like for once the same question really demands an answer. You know the answer is there somewhere but you also know its beyond your reach. No matter how hard you search to find it, to share some truth with your friend, it cannot be found. So you shrug your shoulders and pronounce "who knows". Yet the truth we know is very tantalising. During our lives we seem to live in very close proximity to the things that elude us. Like the constant hum of the universe, the firmness of gravity, and the brightness of light from every star, we know in our hearts that truth is the sharpest blade that shapes all our lives. One truth I discovered in recent years is that each drama in all our lives is in some way connected. Each event bends and stresses our relationships. Our connections warp. The social web that binds us will flex and ripple but sometimes be broken by violent storms. Our dramas are no less dramatic than the ones sold to us by celebrity culture. Every day reality is far more surprising, deeper, wider, and consequences reach out to the future sometimes far beyond our own lives. The question my friend asked me I can guess would be the number one question posed by every single person on the earth today. I won't attempt to answer it now but its worth exploring again and again. Perhaps one day we will have an answer but I very much doubt it. In the meantime I would like to share some of my more recent dramas. Perhaps they are connected with yours?  

The Art of Change

The pain of divorce is real. There is no getting away from it. In my case without a shadow of doubt, the most painful experience imaginable. Researching on the web and in books I constantly look for answers, help and guidance. I'm shocked still by the stories I read of people who in the end simply cannot deal with the pain any longer. Something snaps. The displacement activities once found to help forget or put to oneside the agony that greats each day are no longer enough.

Recently I read how for a man the threat of snapping is three times more likely once he suddenly finds himself alone. He has lost afterall the only thing in his life he could count on for emotional support - His Wife. So, I know what to do, but it doesn't make at any easier at times. Whatever we do we must not bury our pain. We must instead feel it, acknowledge it and even embrace it as part of our lives. We are informed that what has happened was meant to happen and it will shape us eventually into a new life of hope and joy and a more peaceful existence.

After feeling the pain, crying over it and through it, we are supposed to give it to our God / the Universe or the higher power we imagine we call on during the dark nights ahead. We can also try meditation. For me this means learning to sit and let our thoughts and feeling wash through us. If we can do this on a regular basis we can then learn to train ourselves to live with whatever we feel troubles us more readily each day. We are also then supposed to accept that all this has happened for a reason.

Eventually, at a time unspecified, we will come to understand what has happened and this journey will be seen as our greatest victory. Emotional support is a natural human need. One of the cruelest elements of my wife's departure was to imply that I was more needy than was normal or acceptable to her. I know now that this was another false accusation thrown back at me like many others designed to hurt and to deflect guilt. I know that emotional support and the realisation that I am loved comes from many sources directly to me now; My sister, my family, and my daughter.

Just writing this down enables me to feel some release. I am grateful for that and I will continue writing. I hope I will. Like many in position I do want to be heard. But its enough to place it here for now and to explore when and how that might become real for me.

In the end, its not what we have achieved in life that matters, its how we have achieved it. The personal relationships we have are the only thing that counts. The people we love and the people who love us are all that matter. In this context I will say that I can still love my ex wife and I know that she is where she is not because of me, but because of her own actions and struggle. The pain we feel is meant to be and we are not alone. All of us feel it at some point in our lives with the same intensity I'm sure. So I do know that there is a kind of change and growth happening in me as a result. I can see why others act the way they do and I am far more tolerant.   

Connecting with Nature

Today's composition has to be about 'connecting with nature'. In the dark days of January in our year 2011, our world - thats the world of my beloved daughter and I! - has been lit by the film and recount of one man - Simon King. Whether or not you like his delivery and presentation style, here is a man whose world is very different from my own. Watching his presentation at last weekends 'Outdoor Show' I was at times not sure if I was observing stand up comedy or a lecture in natural history!. The truth is that he has blended both into his personal approach to a presentation which he clearly enjoys. He sounded out animal and bird impressions which were not from variety theatre. Instead the sounds he made seemed to capture a real life drama he had previously observed on travels as far and wide as the Shetland Isles and Kenya. Lying prostate on the floor of the Excel Conference Centre theatre in London he recalled how as as child, his mimic of a barn owl, or some similar creature, had attracted the attention of the hovering hunter which took to investigating the sounds he made by staring directly at him from only metres above. He tried to convey to his audience how that experience made him feel; an 'at oneness' with nature, a bursting upliftling joy. It certainly hit home with me. And I recalled when many years ago when a Kingfisher landed on the fishing rod held in my hands at dawn on the River Wharf at Knaresborough. I too could barely contain myself. I could feel the weight of it, silhouetted against the golden sunrise, a small bird with large protruding beak, held as it was for a moment in my hands, I was also connected with nature. The feeling I felt was what Simon tried to portray to his audience; a cross between a shock of electricity and a deep warmth spreading throughout the body. An orgasm if you like! Amazing don't you think, that a fishing trip or an experience 'connecting' us with the natural world might do actually that! Well, not to me, not to Simon and of course non exclusive to all of us.       

Partial Eclipse of the Heart

Last year I endured a crushing total eclipse of the heart. Bonnie Tyler and then TPau? Yes, it was one of 'our' songs. On reflection it had been a gradual blocking out of the light just like the minute by minute progress of our moon yesterday morning. And like the real thing that plays out its cosmic display over the horizon, my total eclipse with time became partial again. You see, all things are connected and time is the constant which changes them. At first any eclipse makes the world a darker place. The gloomy progression is made worse and feels beyond our control. Then, because of time, the gloom peels back to reveal only a partial blemish on our entire world. Finally the Sun is made to shine again and like the Sun our hearts can open out once more. I wish my experience however had not lasted so long. If it had played out in only a few minutes just like the events of yesterday I would not have lost so much time and personal resources. This I know was an impossibility. There is gravity created between two people just like the one that binds other heavenly bodies that spiral in motion. This gravity needs to break or at least stretch to a extremely wide position. And now that its over? I can look out to my world that is day by day being lit up just as it once was. "Don't wish too far, your dreams are China in your hand". 

Happy New Year

So here it is, another shining dawn of the shared experience that is the annual 365 day merry go round of the beaming light at the centre of our Solar system. The 'New Year'! And how we choose to greet it says a lot about how we approach life in any given moment. I've heard a few different reactions in the last day or two. 'I'm glad its all over', said one. 'I always look forward to Spring from now on', said another. Very few choose to give a response anywhere that come close to reflecting the modern day mantra of 'living in the moment'. If we were to live in the moment most of us would at this point be living in the discomfort of often repeating hot stomach acid, self induced anxiety over our return to work, and overburdened credit card debt. There is however a strong feeling of euphoria coming out of the other side our retail, TV, travel and gastric binge. This is the start of a new decade as well as a new year. And I'm sure I could smell Spring in the air when I took the empties to the bottle bank. I took the tree down early and as I did so my 'moment' came when I realised that whatever we wish for by way of a better life for ourselves and our family is in fact of our own chosing and our own making. Its the infinate choice that drives us to distraction and the displacement activities which often trap us and prevent us from reaching our true potential. So as the last tinsel and baubel was returned to its box, I chose to make no resolutions other than the one which has eluded me thus far; to be kinder to myself, to learn to live a more peaceful life, trusting in my own journey and relaxing more into the ride.  

Marriage Guidance

Beware the marriage guidance 'counselling' services.  Mine came out with alarming phrases like; "well, children often find it exciting.. the fact that they can go and stay some of the time in a new home, and that they may have access to other siblings and be forced to form new relationships. And then she said... 'and for adults... well... often we see a relaxed attitude in our 40's to sexual relationships and relationships in general'. Amazing don't you think? Some marriage guidance people seemed to be only interested in 'selling' your their time. I suppose the reaason for phrase 'sell' in conselling!My wife at the time of course nodded her head in agreement as if she had already bribed the person conserned into saying these things. It was you see my ex who was 'more relaxed' about extra marital affairs or at least thats what I found out following a long period of deceptions. "I was in a relationship before I met Mike" ... thats me... "and now, I'm back in that relationship". She was talking about being in a relationship when she was 16 and 17 yrs old at school! and we had been together for twenty years. Our consellor had been married 3 times and now wanted to 'help' people through their 'transitions'.... So.. I've learnt another leason there.. Beware the marriage guidance consellor or at least do more homework than I did about who you will be paying for.

Time heals the wounds

If you're bleeding, Then everyone can see you're bleeding.They can call for the doctor, Who'll provide what the diagnosis says you're needing Then he'll take away your pain But if your heart, Your heart has been broken And you don't wear it on your sleeve No one can tell, Your hell goes unspoken But there's one thing you must believe

Time heals the wounds no one can see
Time heals the wounds that no one can see

If you're crying
Then everyone can see you crying
And they all sympathize
But it just doesn't matter
Though they may be trying,
They can't feel the hurt inside
You can't go on,
You've gone to the limit
And your life seems to slip away
You're on your own
Alone you must face it
And tomorrow's so far away

You got to hold on baby
Got to give it time to heal
Time heals the wounds that no one can see
You must believe what they say is true
It do's wonders for ya, yeah, yeah

From: http://www.musicbabylon.comFrom : http://www.musicbabylon.com

THE INVITATION

It doesn't interest me what you do for a living. I want to know what you ache for, and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart's longing. It doesn't interest me how old you are. I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool for love, for your dream, for the adventure of being alive. It doesn't interest me what planets are squaring your moon. I want to know if you have touched the centre of your own sorrow, if you have been opened by life's betrayals or have become shrivelled and closed from fear of further pain!I want to know if you can sit with pain, mine or your own, without moving to hide it or fade it, or fix it.

I want to know if you can be with joy, mine or your own, if you can dance with wildness and let the ecstasy fill you to the tips of your fingers and toes without cautioning us to be careful, to be realistic, to remember the limitations of being human.It doesn't interest me if the story you are telling me is true. I want to know if you can disappoint another to be true to yourself; if you can bear the accusation of betrayal and not betray your own soul; if you can be faithless and therefore trustworthy. I want to know if you can see beauty even when it's not pretty, every day,and if you can source your own life from its presence.

I want to know if you can live with failure, yours and mine, and still stand on the edge of the lake and shout to the silver of the full moon, “Yes!”It doesn't interest me to know where you live or how much money you have. I want to know if you can get up, after the night of grief and despair, weary and bruised to the bone, and do what needs to be done to feed the children.

It doesn't interest me who you know or how you came to be here. I want to know if you will stand in the center of the fire with me and not shrink back. It doesn't interest me where or what or with whom you have studied. I want to know what sustains you, from the inside, when all else falls away. I want to know if you can be alone with yourself and if you truly like the company you keep in the empty moments.